3 Months

3 Months, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

3 months. It's been three months today since my dad passed away. I've been thinking about him all day, and about some of the last days we spent together. I thought I shared all of the pictures from our time together while he was in the nursing home, but then I came across this one. This is from our last walk together when we stopped to take a break and eat some popcorn. He actually enjoyed a few minutes of eating one of his favorite snacks and talking with my girl while she and my mom put a puzzle together. You may wonder why he is blurry in all of the images I've posted. I was trying hard to be respectful of his experience, but at the same time I wanted to preserve time. I've loved photography for a long time, but it means so much more to me now. I'm so grateful that I have these images of our last days spent together. They help to flood my mind with all of the things that we talked about and shared. They bring back the details of things that might be lost otherwise, and I wish I had more. I'm so grateful for the story that they tell, and coming across this image, the last one I have of my mom and dad together with his special granddaughter is priceless. We will cherish it forever. Get your camera out and use it often. You don't have to be an expert. Pictures are the next best thing to memories filed away in your heart.

The Best Part of Summer

The Best Part of Summer, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

This is one of the first weeks of summer that life has actually slowed down just a bit. We are usually running so fast that we don't get to enjoy much quality time with all of us together. This week has consisted of lots of time together in the yard relaxing in the chairs, laying in the grass, and playing catch. The hooligans have been soaking in quality time with their dad, and with each other. My girl and her brother have been working on his baseball skills. I love sitting back and watching all of the relationships develop in our tiny spot of the world that we call home. It's the best part of summer for me so far.

Pushing

Summer is passing by so quickly.  It seems like we have been busier than usual lately.  We haven't had much time to make many memories together, or maybe it's just that I'm missing those moments when they do happen.  Between the pace of summer so far and the grief that I'm still carrying I feel like I'm in a bit of a daze most of the time.  I can't seem to get my thoughts in order, and I can't seem to stay focused.  The days come and go and I have many lists in my mind of things that need to be accomplished and things that I really want to do, but I feel like I move in circles instead of making progress.  I think I'm still trying to find my sea legs.  In the midst of what feels like confusion I do continue to find lots of moments to be grateful for.  It's the little things that I love the very most.  It's the simplest of days when I get to just slow down and be a mom that still bring me the most joy, and it's days like this one when we got to go to the "beach" that re-fill my bucket and remind me of all the things that I have to feel gratitude for.  Every little bit of this trip that I took with my family and some good friends included all of the simple things that I love the very most.  The wind in my hair, sand on my toes, seagulls squawking, and the water lapping at the sand.  Throw in the laughter shared between good friends and conversation with new ones, and you have many minutes that have passed that could not have been better spent.  Since my dad passed away in April I have been pushing.  Pushing to move on.  Pushing to get back to "normal".  I'm starting to realize that I just need to slow down and let things be.  I want to be able to fully experience days like this one more often, and that means a whole lot less pushing.

For more water images head over to Sharon Covert's blog.  

My First Father's Day Without Him

My First Father's Day Without Him, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Yesterday was strange. It was the day to celebrate fathers, and mine is gone. I knew the day would be hard, but I didn't anticipate just how much. Oh how I miss him. Sometimes I think I can hear him say my name, and other times I can see his smile and hear his laugh in my mind. I hope that never goes away. I hope it stays trapped in my memory forever. We visited his resting place yesterday, and my girl left a small gift that she made for him. Last summer she and her grandpa spent many days in the shade talking, and all the while she made friendship bracelets. Each one was unique and each time she finished she would show him the final result. Now he has his own special bracelet designed just for him. She misses him as much as I do, and sometimes it is so painful to see her hurt. She misses her friend just as I do. We couldn't have asked for a better dad or grandpa. Happy Belated Father's Day to my dad, and to my wonderful husband. As my own dad told me before he passed away, "You couldn't have chosen a better husband and father for your children." Once again his wisdom rings so true. I love them both so much.

Ordinary Moments

Ordinary Moments, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

I was meant for this. For days like this one was. For average every day moments, and opportunities to make memories with those I love most. To not only capture them with my camera, but to engrave them in my heart. I love every single ordinary moment that I get to spend with my family. Even times like this at the gas station are worth savoring.

In the Spring

In the Spring, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

I drove by the nursing home last week. For just a moment I forgot. I was ready to pull into the parking lot and prepare myself to walk through the doors. Suddenly, I remembered as I drew closer to the entrance that dad wasn't there anymore. The only familiar feeling that I felt as I drove past was my breath catch in my throat as I took in the reality that I would not visit him there again. I guess I'm still adjusting to the fact that he is gone and sometimes it is painful, but I couldn't help but smile as the building pulled away from my view as I passed. Each time that I am overwhelmed with sadness, it is always followed by peace and assurance that dad is happy now. The spring flowers have a new meaning for me now too. They will always help to remind me of the final days that I spent with dad, and our last day outside soaking in the sun. They too bring a smile to my face when I see them dancing in the sun.

The Light

The light, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

“There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain. Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways.” - Mother Teresa 

This rings so true for me for the last little while. Since my dad's passing, I have been the recipient of so many acts of kindness. I can't begin to say thank you enough for all that has been done on behalf of myself and my family. Moving on is so hard, but little by little we are putting one foot in front of the other. I am learning that there really is no such thing as normal. There is just right now, and I want to do my best every day to make the most of every right now that happens.

Life Lessons

Life Lessons, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Day 11 of The Gratitude Project- Today I am grateful for life lessons. I'm grateful for learning that I need to pick myself up and dust myself off, and get on with life. It was a painful lesson to learn, but one that has taught me that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

Paying It Forward

A couple of weeks ago my boy and I went to the store.  We were shopping for a Mother's Day gift for my mom in a bookstore.  I knew what I was hunting for and therefore thought if I looked long enough I could find it on my own.  I quietly searched from aisle to aisle looking for a specific book towing my little man behind me with his hand in mine.  I would stop and look over the shelves while he would rub my arm, or wrap his arms around my leg.  All the while he kept repeating the name of the book I was looking for and doing his best to help me find it.  After some time I finally gave in and asked for help.  As the clerk glided to the back of the store to check on my request, an elderly man approached us.  He gently asked for my permission to speak with my boy.  My immediate thought was one of distress.  I had left him alone for all of two seconds while I walked quickly around one aisle to check one last spot.  I wondered what trouble he had caused while I was gone in that brief moment, and I braced myself for what words would come next from the stranger.  I approved his request to speak to my boy, and what came next shocked me.  He bent down close and asked my little man for his name.  Doop softly replied stating his full name.  Based on the response I was certain that he had done something he shouldn't have in my short time away, but the man slowly stuck his hand out and introduced himself in return.  After a friendly shake between them, the man proceeded to tell my boy that he had been watching us.  He said he had been watching our interactions as we moved throughout the store, and he said he could tell how close we were.  He also complimented my little man and told him that he could tell that he was a good boy.  Then his hand slipped into his pocket, and when it returned it had a folded bill braced between his fingers.  He held it out in front of my boy and told him to find a good book in the store because good boys need good books.  He thanked me for the opportunity to speak with my son, and went on his way.  Doop looked up at me with big eyes as he unfolded the bill and saw the 10 written on the top.  A ten dollar bill from a complete stranger.  I couldn't believe it.  I was truly overwhelmed by his kindness.  We searched the store for a book that he would enjoy, and after quite some time he became discouraged.  We just couldn't find a book that he felt was worth spending the ten dollars on, and then I got an idea.  The store had other good things to offer besides books.  It had scripture cases, and Doop was beyond thrilled with the idea of purchasing a case to hold his cherished hand-me-down scriptures that his Grandpa Steve had gifted to him.  He took his time and he weighed all of his options, and in the end he chose a scripture case that he was so excited to take home and fill up with his scriptures.  He absolutely loves it.  All of this happiness because of the kindness of a stranger.  One man who took the time to give has made such a difference for my little boy.  I couldn't stop thinking about what he had done.  This just isn't the type of act that you run into on a daily basis, and I was so grateful for it.  The week went on, and the more I thought about the example of this stranger the more I wanted to do something myself, but what could I do?  What could I give that would make a difference for someone?  I wish I had wads of money that I could hand out whenever I felt like it, but that just isn't reality.  The one thing I do have is time, and therefore I decided to post on facebook about my experience.  I summarized what had taken place and offered to take pictures for someone if they would pay the kindness forward.  I'm not sure that people believed me at first, but eventually I received four different responses from people saying they would love to have their pictures taken and agreeing to pay it forward.  I couldn't just pick one, and decided instead to take pictures for each one of them.  I figured that if each of them were willing to pay it forward then it would be more beneficial to do this for each of them, and with this a new idea came.  Over the next several weeks I will be photographing each of these individuals and their families.  I will be enjoying the chance to pay it forward, but this will not be the end.  This is something I will be doing more often.  This is something I will be offering several times throughout the year.  Passing on the kindness that has been shown to me is the least I can do for those who have given it to me.  It's the best gift I can give right now, and I'm excited to do it.  I'll share those images, and hopefully a few stories along the way.  I think this is the start of something big, and it feels like the opportunity I've been looking for has finally found me.  I can't think of a better way to be spending some of my time than paying it forward.

Been Thinking

I've been thinking lately.  Just random thoughts floating around in my head.  Like how blessed I feel lately to have more time with my kids and more time with my dad.  I know I will look back on this time in my life and be so grateful for the path I have chosen and for the sacrifices it has taken to get here.  My time with them is so valuable.  

I've also been noticing the little things more.  Like when I'm mowing the lawn and I'm so hot and sweaty that I just want to stop and then the slightest breeze picks up and gently lifts my hair off of my neck and dances with it just long enough to give me the relief I need and the desire to keep going.  I've been noticing the people around me more too.  Seeing their beauty, and wondering what struggles they are wrestling with and looking more compassionately on people I don't even know.  Life is rough sometimes and we could all use a break.

I've been realizing things lately too.  Things I should probably already know, but just haven't quite grasped ahold of until now.  Like the fact that it's okay to give myself a pat on the back once in a while.  It's okay to admit that I've been working hard on certain things and it's okay to celebrate and allow myself to feel success and giddiness over things even if they seem dumb to everyone else.  Goals are goals, and more than that when I set them they belong to me, so it's okay to be happy when I feel myself making progress.  It's not selfish and it's not vain.  It's healthy, and I will allow myself to do it from now on without apologizing for it.  The limits that we put on ourselves are kind of silly when we sit down and really think about it, but I have had a few small victories lately that were worth smiling about and I don't regret doing it.  

Last but not least I've been thinking a lot about choices and how grateful I am that I get to make them.  With each step that I take through this mortal experience I realize that I make a choice before I place my foot down and head in the next direction.  Where I go and what I choose to do with my life is completely up to me.  If I don't like something I can make the choice to change it, and that's exactly what I've been focusing on.  So much of my time and energy over the past couple of months have been spent thinking and then choosing.  There are so many options for happiness and success and it's up to me to choose which one to embrace.  Right now I choose my family.  I choose strengthening relationships that I want for eternity because it's the one thing I will be taking with me when I leave this experience.  It feels good to be walking on this path.  It feels good to notice the little things, and it feels good to acknowledge the blessings in my life.  It confirms to me that I'm right where I need to be

The Barn

It seems like I haven't had a lot of time for blogging lately.  It's getting a bit dusty around here.  I've been spending most of my time figuring out how to adjust to the changes I've made so far this year.  It's taking some time to figure it out, and it seems that my mind has been consumed with thoughts about where I am going and how to get there.  It hasn't left a lot of time for my camera.  I do have some stories to share though, so I will be posting more soon.  

For now, I wanted to share some things about my week last week.  It's something I want my kids to remember.  Last Monday evening we had to take my dad to the ER.  Again.  I shouldn't complain because it has been quite some time since our last trip, but it just never gets any easier.  We took him in on Monday evening, he was admitted to the hospital, and he was able to come home on Thursday afternoon.  It was a short stay this time, but while he was in the hospital the Young Men and Young Women from his ward visited his house to complete a service project.  Approximately 20 or so youth and their leaders gathered in the backyard to apply a brand new coat of paint to the barn.  We were of course there to help in whatever way possible, but the best part was feeling the support of those who were visiting and witnessing their concern for my dad.  He has endured so much over the last several years, and often times he and my mom have done it alone.  Not this time though.  This time we were surrounded with many helping and caring hands.  They brought a measure of relief and happiness with them that was so needed, and as they stood shoulder to shoulder and painted the barn, the grass, and even themselves they laughed and they helped more than they know because this time we were not alone.  That barn is one of my dad's prized possessions.  It's the handiwork of his now twisted, and disabled hands.  It is beautiful, and he loves it as much now as he did when he first hammered the nails into each board.  Because of the service of young people in the ward, it is now standing a little taller with a fresh red and white wrapping.  It is anxiously awaiting warmer days when my dad will visit the backyard and see the coats of kindness that were left behind while he was gone.  It is one less thing for my mom to worry about, and one less thing that she will need to do.  I am grateful for those young people.  I am grateful for their leaders.  I am grateful for their kindness and concern because on this night they lightened my burdens.  They provided an example to my children of doing good for others who are in need.  That's what service is.  I will be reminded of this goodness each time I look at this barn.  I can't wait for my dad to see it. 

A Really Long Post About Change

Since I've been working so hard on my one little word for the year, I thought I would share some insight into some of the things I'm working on and how I'm finding success in accomplishing it.  Before 2012 ever started I knew what I wanted my one little word to be for the year.  I knew I wanted to make some big changes, and I knew I really wanted to focus on ways to make them happen, and so when 2012 arrived I heard the starting gun sound and I began embracing change.  This alone was a big change for me.  I haven't always been a fan in the past and learning to love change has and still is taking some time.  I am well on my way however, to making the changes I have been after.  So what are the changes I am focusing on?  Well, there are actually several, but I'll just share with you a few.  Here is a short list:

• Obtaining and nourishing a healthier spirit
• Budgeting better my personal time and our money
• Enjoying a healthier lifestyle and the benefits that come with it
• Spending my time on things that matter most
• Living with no regrets

The list goes on, but you get the gist.  When I decided to take this word on for the year, and really step outside of my comfort zone to make the changes I truly want happen, I had to decide on an approach that would work best for me.  This is still a work in progress, but I have found a few things that work well for who I am, and because a few of you asked I am going out on a limb to share.  Keep in mind that these are things that work well for me.  I realize that we are all different and therefore different approaches may work better for you, but it has taken many years to not only develop my own personal strengths, it has also taken many years to recognize them as well as my weaknesses.  So here are my thoughts on change.  This is my personal 5 step program.  

1. Planning.  In order for me to accomplish change of any sort (especially the specific items I listed above), I need to begin with a plan.  This is the part where I stand up to the mic and say, "Hello my name is Marvett, and I am a planner."  It's true.  It's who I am.  Right down to the core I'm a planner.  Always have been, always will be, so why fight it?  For me, choosing to approach change is a big deal so why not put one of my strengths into action and make a plan.  For me, planning provides peace.  It allows me to map out my time and maximize it so that I can accomplish the things I want to.  (It also helps me to be efficient.  (This is the part where JM is laughing to himself.  Yes.  I need therapy for my addiction to being efficient!)  If I relate planning to the important changes I want to make in my life, it means that I will actually plan time into my day to work on them.  It means I will plan time for nourishing my spirit.  It means I will allow time to work on lifestyle changes including plans for healthier meals, and time to exercise.  It also means that if I want to spend more time on the things that matter most then I will avoid planning anything during the few hours in the week when our whole little family is all at home at the same time.  Those hours are few and far between and they should be saved for memory making.  I realize that there will be times when this won't be possible, but I have to tell you that over the last year and a half I have learned a ton about how quickly time can pass by, and how quickly a year can be gone and once it's gone it's gone.  I have learned that time is not only valuable but precious, and for me I want to spend it making memories with my family whenever possible.
   
   
2. Lists.  I know, I know, this goes right along with the world of planning, but again lists help me to be successful.  I like to think of lists as another tool in my box to help me savor peace and make sure that everything gets done.  Besides that, I'm one of those people who finds great satisfaction and accomplishment in crossing things off the list.  I've done the background work and decided on the things that I really want to work on changing in my life, so making lists of things I need to do to accomplish them is just another part of the arsenal to attack the work in doing them.  For example, I have a very specific list of things I want to do to nourish my spirit.  I have another list of things I want to research more and learn about to have a healthier lifestyle.  I also have a list of things I'm working on to help with budgeting our money, and I have a very long list of things I would like to check off to assist in using my time wisely.  This may seem overwhelming to many people, but it works for me.  Lists help me get my thoughts out on paper.  They help me to organize the things I'm thinking about.  Once those things are on the list then I can decide if it's something worth keeping there, or if it needs to be tossed.  Once the list is final I can then insert items on a weekly basis into the planning stage.  I can choose which things are most important for me to accomplish during that week, and then plan time to do it.  Again, it may seem overwhelming, but in reality it's not.  I have a whole year to work on making these changes, and once I really get into this I have a feeling that this will become a new lifestyle for me.  I have a feeling that change will be something I crave and look forward to instead of fearing and dreading.  Ticking one thing off the the list per week is rewarding for me, and I'm finding that when the list gets shorter my mind thinks of another thing that can be added to the list.
   
   
3. Organizing.  Ok stay with me here.  If you've made it through the list section than organizing should be a breeze!  For me, organization comes next.  When my home is out of control, my life is out of control.  When my life is out of control, my thoughts are out of control, and I just can't focus.  Let me relate it to the changes I want to make in my life.  If I want to spend more time on the things that matter most, nourish my spirit, and change my lifestyle, I can do that easier in a life that is organized.  Once again having a place for everything and having everything in it's place makes me more efficient (ugh, there's that word again!).  For example, if the pantry and fridge are organized it means I can save money buying the things I know we need and not extra of stuff we already have.  It also means I have more time to focus my energy and thoughts on the changes I want to make.  If things are organized, it also brings me more peace.  It means not worrying about the little things.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  Like if the homework we have worked so hard on all week has made it into the hooligans backpacks, or if the meat is thawed out for the dinner I want to make,  or if the softball uniform is washed and ready for the next game.  It's all of the little things that I don't want to keep me up worrying.  If I have a process in place to ensure that these things are taken care of (including making lists, organizing, and planning) then I can fully enjoy the time I need and want to spend on making change.
   
   
4. Focus.  For me change means focusing.  It means deciding on the things I want to work on, and then doing whatever it takes to make them happen.  I'm a competitive person, and I am determined.  Usually when I make my mind up about something I will see it through.  It's who I am.  I have found however, that the older I have become the longer it takes to accomplish things.  I have many responsibilities now that I didn't have once in life, and those things take up time.  It doesn't mean I will give up though.  I'm learning that it's important to just keep going.  Take baby steps if necessary, but keep moving forward down the road.  Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE UP!  Making change is hard, and change takes time so be patient with yourself.  I'm learning to do the same.  It's probably one of the things I will benefit from most in this process.
   
   
5. Attitude.  Last but not least (at least for now), is attitude.  My daughter plays softball.  She is a pitcher, and learning the mechanics of pitching has been extremely difficult.  There are so many things to think about all at the same time, and that can be a big task to ask of our brains.  I have echoed my collegiate volleyball coach time and time again when I have told her to check her attitude.  Our coach used to tell us that he only required us to bring two things to practice on a daily basis and those things were attitude and effort.  A good attitude and your best effort are something you are in control of, and they make a vast difference in your success.  Like I said earlier, change is hard, but when I find myself getting frustrated or down I remind myself to check my attitude and effort.  I remind myself that I am choosing these changes, and I remind myself of how badly I want and need to make them happen.  Just starting on the path is a huge success for me, but sometimes I forget to cut myself some slack and give myself credit.  I have put a lot of thought into this whole change thing, and it's something I really want in many areas of my life so I will not allow negative thoughts to set me back.  I know where I want to go, and I am slowly but surely finding ways to get there.  It may take the whole year, and it may take longer, but forward movement is forward movement, so as long as my attitude and effort are on the right end of the spectrum I should have no problem getting where I want to go.

I realize that this is a lot of information and really a bit out of the ordinary for my little blog, but you asked me to share so I am putting myself out there and doing exactly what you asked.  These things may not work for you.  You might be hyperventilating at the thought of lists and organization, but these are my strengths.  These are the familiar tools that I am choosing to use to step outside of the box and make some big changes in my life.  I encourage you to do the same.  Put your strengths to work and use them to help you be successful in whatever endeavor you are tackling.  If you don't think you have strengths, think again.  I promise you have at least one, and I'm certain that you have several.  If you're not sure what they are then ask those around you.  They will be completely honest, and eventually you will learn to be kind enough to yourself to not only realize what they are, but to embrace them and be proud of them too.  

And just for the record, a post is not a post without a picture.  On this blog anyway!  I'm slowly learning to incorporate my camera back into this different life, so I will have more pictures in the future.  For me life is much better when I use my camera.  It inspires me to see and feel things that I don't any other way, so I'll leave you with this image of a slice of my mom's front yard.  Happy Spring!

I've Been...

It seems like it's been a while since I picked up my camera.  I have been busy.  Busy living and busy making changes.  It's my theme for the year, and I'm really trying hard to make some positive changes in my life that have been very much needed.  I've been catching up on life in my home.  I've been savoring sweet time with my hooligans.  I've been cleaning the house, and doing the laundry and loving every minute of it.  I've been helping out at my kids' school, getting to know just how hard they're working there, and rubbing shoulders with some pretty sweet little spirits in the process.  I always leave that opportunity feeling like I've witnessed a little piece of heaven.  I've been spending time with my mom and dad gradually helping them to change their routines and breaking them out of the life they've been living for so many years.  They are slowly grabbing hold of this opportunity and we all look forward to the adventures that the following week will bring during my time with them.  I've been studying.  I've been trying to finish up yet another class for school.  I've been focusing.  I've been writing my goals down on paper and making a plan to not only set them in motion, but to see them through.  I've been changing.  I've been determined to make the changes happen in my life that will bring me even more happiness and I have been loving this journey.  I've also been enjoying the sunshine.  I've been soaking it up and letting the wind dance in my hair because those are two things that I just can't seem to get enough of.  I've also been planning.  Planning out my time and how to get the most out of my days.  It's not something I've completely mastered yet, but I'm onto a good start.  I'll get this whole change thing figured out sooner than later and start incorporating my camera back into life because I would hate to miss capturing many more of the memories we have been creating.

P.S.- We got our garden started this weekend.  Of course I'll be documenting it's growth.  It's one of my favorite places to spend time, and one of my favorite subjects to photograph!

I Am Enough

Yesterday I met a new friend.  Her name is Maddie, and she is joining Seej and I on our self-image awareness journey.  We are so excited to begin sharing this experience with friends, and I was so grateful for the opportunity to meet this beautiful girl and her mom.  One of my very favorite things about photographing people is seeing all of the beautiful things about them.  As you will see in these images Maddie is stunning, but when I looked through my lens I saw more than this.  I saw strength.  I saw courage.  I saw a beautiful spirit finding her smile.  I saw innocence.  I saw kindness.  I saw a young girl with so much to offer, and I saw an example for so many others including myself.  We decided that the best words for her images would be I Am Enough because although the world may not have Maddie or any other girl her age think she is enough, all of the things that I saw in her face make her exactly that.  She is enough.  She is valuable.  She is loved.  She is worthy of happiness and peace. She is deserving of everything that life has to offer.  She is all of these things wrapped up in one beautiful package and that makes her more than enough.  She reminded me that it takes courage to believe in these words, and the fact that she was willing to wear them proudly on her hand and step in front of my camera tells me that she is well on her way to knowing these words are true.  These words were perfect for her, and my time with her was perfect for me.  I will do better this week.  Seej and I will be joining Maddie in believing that we are enough too because the best part about making new friends is finding their best qualities and trying to adopt them yourself.  Thank you for allowing me to photograph you Maddie, and thank you for sharing who you are.  You are beyond beautiful.

Hair by Rachel from Saloon Hair.

Motherhood is...

I was flipping through a few of my favorite blogs today, and came across this post.  I decided that putting my thoughts about motherhood on paper would be a good exercise.  It would be good for me, and so I sat down and started writing.  I opened my heart and I let the words flow, and when I was through I decided that I needed to share it with my kids because they made motherhood happen for me.  So this post is for them.  This is my essay.

Motherhood is... 

Long summer days with a little hand wrapped in mine.  Sticky kisses on my face, and 

jam in my hair.  It is little toes in my side during the night when bad dreams have quietly 

snuck into the room.  It is “I love youʼs” whispered in my ear that silently fall right into my 

heart.  It is bare feet slapping in the grass running through the sprinkler as part of a 

giggling train.  It is being a hero and making everything better because thatʼs what 

moms do.  It is staying up late at night to rock someone back to sleep and knowing that 

I am holding the greatest treasure in the world in my arms.  It is tears stinging my eyes 

when I see my children accomplish something they have worked so hard at, and it is 

wrapping them in my arms and providing a soft place to fall when things donʼt go their 

way.  It is band-aids on scraped knees, and kisses to make it all better.  It is loving my 

children so hard and so strong that it almost hurts.  It is running my fingers through their 

hair with their head in my lap, and itʼs believing in who they are with every part of my 

soul.  It is jumping in puddles on rainy days, and happily washing the aftermath.  It is a 

home cooked meal after a long day at school, and a special dessert to top off the day.  It 

is cheerleading, coaching, and counseling all wrapped up in one big positive package, 

and itʼs beautifully tied together with a smile and a warm hug.  It is a teacher, an 

advocate, and an example who loves fiercely without end.  It is hard working hands that 

are gentle, and itʼs a lap to curl up in to find safety from the world.  

It is a phone call for advice, and it is a well worn recipe. It is warm toes by the fire, and 

hot cocoa in a special cup.  Itʼs a warm bath with bubbles, and itʼs flannel sheets on the 

bed.  It is knowing what I know, and learning what I donʼt.  It is patience, and it is 

believing in hopes and dreams that are not my own.  It is patches in the knees of pants, 

and it is homemade quilts sewn with love.  It is the scent of kindness, and the wrinkles 

of memory making.  It is lilacs in the spring, and laundry hanging on the line.  It is every 

flower that the earth anchors in the soil, and it is home grown tomatoes sliced up on a 

plate.  It is mason jars and homemade dill pickles, and itʼs banana cream pie.  

It is a gift.  It is a partnership with God, and a divine role to be cherished.  It is a 

heavenly purpose, and an eternal duty.  It is a privilege, it is happiness, and above all it 

is beauty.  

Chasing the Light

I've been spending lots of time taking care of my home and helping my parents out lately.  I haven't taken a lot of pictures, but over the weekend I noticed the evening light.  I quickly ran inside to grab my camera to capture a slice of it, and as fast as I made it inside and back out, the light was all but gone.  I was literally chasing the light.  I was running for this one, and although I didn't get the image I had in mind, it still turned out beautiful.  Chasing the light is a good way to spend my time with or without my camera in hand.  It helps me create the prettiest pictures, and finding the light in my day to day life always ensures that I'm in the right places doing the right things.  It's a picture I love living in, and I'm learning to train my eye to find the light more often.  It's where the happiness is.

Stillness

"I am not a human being.  I am a human becoming." -Author Unknown

In the stillness I can feel myself becoming.  Becoming the person I am meant to be.  I feel my heart fill with peace when I choose to be in places where I can make the biggest difference.  Like when I sit next to my daughter in the soft evening light helping her with her homework, or when I meet my little man at the bus stop when he happily jumps from his big yellow ride to race me home so we can play.  I feel that difference when I stand next to my girl in the gym to give as much support as I can to her while she works hard chasing a dream that I hope with all my heart she someday catches.  In the stillness I feel myself connecting to a place and time that I have waited for so long to be in, and in the stillness I feel myself making a mark.  I am making a mark in the place I hope I am always remembered with the people that I love the most.  No trophy, award, or hall of fame could compare to the worth of the memories I will create with my hooligans, best friend and family, and in the stillness I feel that happening.  In the stillness I am making connections that are priceless.  In the stillness I am becoming.

Taking Chances

I've been practicing sticking my neck out.  Making changes.  Taking chances.  Stepping outside of my comfort zone.  It is scary.  It is not like me, but it is oh so good.  This quote sums it up perfectly.  "Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?"- Frank Scully

Familiarity

I have really been focusing on my one little word for 2012.  I have lots of changes happening, and a few more in the planning stages.  I am really learning to have courage and embrace change completely.  That being said, it is so far out of my comfort zone that every once in a while I need a bit of familiarity.  I find myself gravitating to places that I'm rooted to.  Places that stir comfortable images in my mind and places that just feel safe.  Last week on a warm evening I trudged through the slush and snow to visit one of my favorite places.  The old red barn that I used to spend so much time in when I was young sits right behind my parents home.  It has changed over time, but the way I feel when I visit has not.  It's one of those places that I can stand in and feel peace.  It overwhelms me every time.  It plays such a huge role in the memories of my childhood.  The old leather bridals, the pitchforks and lead ropes, and the smell of the saddles in the tack room spur something inside of me.  I can't remember a bad moment in the barn.  I can't remember a time when I didn't look forward to being there right next to my dad.  He doesn't have the opportunity to visit here that often anymore, but I do and each time I do it stirs my heart and brings a smile to my face.  I know my dad has those same feelings when he visits and because he doesn't have that choice anymore, I took these images for him.  He patiently waited inside while I visited the red barn that he worked so hard to build and keep nice, and I snapped these images so I could run back inside and show him that not much has changed there.  It's not quite the same as visiting in person, but the same smile that it brought me crept into his face when he looked at what I captured in my camera.  On this day he needed to feel that same familiarity that I did.  I'm glad I could share it with him.

Winter Walking

We went walking this week.  We are experiencing an amazingly mild winter so far.  It's been nice.  So nice in fact, that we talked Grandpa into going on a walk.  The winters are long for him.  It's painful for him to be out in the cold weather, so when the temps hit a warm 49 degrees, he agreed that a ride outside would be a good change of scenery.  We started out with all three hooligans fighting over who would get to push him down the road in his chair.  There aren't many things that bring a smile to his face anymore, but three little people loving him this much made him feel pretty special.  It made me smile big, and I had to laugh when my little man won the fight.  It was an adventurous ride for Grandpa, and that's putting it mildly.  It's a little hard for Doop to see where he's going since he's shorter than the wheelchair, and combine that with the slope in the road and there were a couple of times that I was sure my dad was going to end up in the ditch.  His remaining leg got a pretty good workout trying to stop the chair and get it turned back in the right direction.  It was good for him, and good for us to spend time together.  It's not something we've done in a while.  The sun on my face, and watching the kids interact with him and Grandma was priceless.  Here are a few images of our time together.  If you're feeling the winter blues, go outside and take a look around.  Look hard.  There are so many beautiful things to see, and I promise you will be glad you did.  I've decided I need a lot more winter walking!