3 Months

3 Months, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

3 months. It's been three months today since my dad passed away. I've been thinking about him all day, and about some of the last days we spent together. I thought I shared all of the pictures from our time together while he was in the nursing home, but then I came across this one. This is from our last walk together when we stopped to take a break and eat some popcorn. He actually enjoyed a few minutes of eating one of his favorite snacks and talking with my girl while she and my mom put a puzzle together. You may wonder why he is blurry in all of the images I've posted. I was trying hard to be respectful of his experience, but at the same time I wanted to preserve time. I've loved photography for a long time, but it means so much more to me now. I'm so grateful that I have these images of our last days spent together. They help to flood my mind with all of the things that we talked about and shared. They bring back the details of things that might be lost otherwise, and I wish I had more. I'm so grateful for the story that they tell, and coming across this image, the last one I have of my mom and dad together with his special granddaughter is priceless. We will cherish it forever. Get your camera out and use it often. You don't have to be an expert. Pictures are the next best thing to memories filed away in your heart.

My First Father's Day Without Him

My First Father's Day Without Him, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Yesterday was strange. It was the day to celebrate fathers, and mine is gone. I knew the day would be hard, but I didn't anticipate just how much. Oh how I miss him. Sometimes I think I can hear him say my name, and other times I can see his smile and hear his laugh in my mind. I hope that never goes away. I hope it stays trapped in my memory forever. We visited his resting place yesterday, and my girl left a small gift that she made for him. Last summer she and her grandpa spent many days in the shade talking, and all the while she made friendship bracelets. Each one was unique and each time she finished she would show him the final result. Now he has his own special bracelet designed just for him. She misses him as much as I do, and sometimes it is so painful to see her hurt. She misses her friend just as I do. We couldn't have asked for a better dad or grandpa. Happy Belated Father's Day to my dad, and to my wonderful husband. As my own dad told me before he passed away, "You couldn't have chosen a better husband and father for your children." Once again his wisdom rings so true. I love them both so much.

Sharing

Sharing, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

We visited dad's grave yesterday. Because he is still resting in a quiet little spot with no marker, we have memorized the names of all of those around him so that we can easily find him until his headstone arrives. As we approached his grave, we were greeted by the bright flowers that others had left before we came. My sweet girl noticed that the headstone next to his was bare, and she couldn't deal with the thought that no one had come to pay a visit. She sweetly asked if we could share some of grandpa's flowers with the person resting there so that they would know that someone remembered them too. I smiled at her thoughtfulness, and then turned to witness my other two hooligans frantically racing through the cemetery to upright all of the flowers that had blown over in the wind. They showed such respect in this place of peace. I am so lucky to have them in my life, and so grateful for the opportunity to be their mother. They teach me so much.

In the Spring

In the Spring, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

I drove by the nursing home last week. For just a moment I forgot. I was ready to pull into the parking lot and prepare myself to walk through the doors. Suddenly, I remembered as I drew closer to the entrance that dad wasn't there anymore. The only familiar feeling that I felt as I drove past was my breath catch in my throat as I took in the reality that I would not visit him there again. I guess I'm still adjusting to the fact that he is gone and sometimes it is painful, but I couldn't help but smile as the building pulled away from my view as I passed. Each time that I am overwhelmed with sadness, it is always followed by peace and assurance that dad is happy now. The spring flowers have a new meaning for me now too. They will always help to remind me of the final days that I spent with dad, and our last day outside soaking in the sun. They too bring a smile to my face when I see them dancing in the sun.

The Last Walk

The Last Walk, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Last Saturday my daughter and I took my dad outside for a walk in the warm sun. The walk was short from his room to the patio, but I wanted him to feel the sun on his face, to get some fresh air, and to see the beautiful flowers growing just outside the door. We only stayed outside for a half an hour or so before he asked to return to his room. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be our last walk together. My dad completed his suffering on Tuesday morning, and he peacefully slipped away from us. My heart is heavy at this time knowing that it will be some time before I see him again, but I also share in the happiness I know he is experiencing because he is finally free. I have great respect for those of you who have lived through this kind of grief, and I am grateful for so many strong examples. I know the coming days will be rough, but I'm thankful to have had this man in my life and to have loved him so much. I am especially grateful for the last year and all of the extra time we spent together. My little family has wonderful memories to hold onto until we see him again.

Getting a Shave

Getting a Shave, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

A few things are constant when I visit dad in the nursing home. Immediately upon walking in I always find myself drawing in a big breath in preparation for what condition I might find him in, and then there's always the same elderly man that I pass on my way down the hall. He's always sitting in his wheelchair in front of the window with his devoted wife holding his hand and her undying faith urges him to speak to her once more. Then there are those who sit in the same chairs in the dining room. They gather there three times a day and each time they navigate to the same spots over and over as if it's been routine for years. Maybe it has, and then I consistently begin to wonder. What is their history? What brought each of them to this point? What happened to them, and do they have family that visit? These things are constant, but as I continue to visit I realize more and more the importance of two things. First of all the importance of the relationships I am creating in my life. I hope I'm making a priority of building relationships that mean something, and that last. Second, I hope that I am using my time wisely, and taking advantage of all of the things my healthy body can do. This one hit me hard yesterday as I watched my mom shave my dad's face. It's been years since he has had the luxury of doing this on his own, and I realized yesterday how much happiness it would bring him to do this simple act all on his own. It's made me realize even more that it's the little things in life that matter most, and I'm grateful that I can continue learning from dad through this experience even when at times it is so painful.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Two best buddies. This year he celebrated his birthday at the nursing home with grandpa. Grandpa quickly smiled as he watched him open his gift, and I was happy to witness my sweet boy throw his arms around grandpa's neck when he got a whole set of matchbox cars. His very favorite, and exactly what he wanted. Even though grandpa has had lots of rough days as of late, his best little buddy sees him exactly the way he always has. He is not only grandpa, he is one of his very best friends. :)

Sitting Up

Sitting Up, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

He got to sit up today and even leave his room for a few minutes. Today was a good day. I continue to marvel at the way he endures and makes the best of his situation. He is such a great example to me and my hooligans. Days like this one are a blessing.

Rough Days

Rough Days, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

My dad has been very sick for the last two weeks. Each year when we take him to the hospital for something new I always wonder if it will be the time that he doesn't come home. I'm worried that this might be the time. We are doing our best to keep his spirits up, and spending as much time with him as we can. These are rough days, but I am reminded that we can do hard things.

Cards for Grandpa

Cards for Grandpa, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

Making art for grandpa to brighten up his room. He continues to have good and bad days, and we continue to learn that we can do hard things. Thank you again for all of your prayers and kind words. It helps so much. :)

Pigtails

Pigtails, a photo by Marvett Smith (Savoring the Simple) on Flickr.

The older I get the easier it becomes to focus on the things that matter most. I am learning to recognize that in the grand scheme of things it's the little things that are worthy of my attention. Like the days when I braid her pigtails and sit beside her while she creates magic and tells me about her day. There is just no room for anger to interfere with moments like these.

His Gloves

In this new year I am starting a new project.  I am spending some time each day reflecting on what's gone on.  I am spending some time looking for the hand of God in my life.  I was inspired by this talk, and doing this is something I know I will benefit greatly from.  It seems like such an easy task, but it really does take some practice.  It takes some slowing down, and in our busy world that isn't always easy.  Last week I was working hard at this, and in the midst of my hectic morning my sweet boy quietly asked me to help him with his gloves before school.  He was struggling to get them on as he always does, and as usual we were in a hurry.   On this day in this moment, time seemed to stand still just for a few seconds.  I was suddenly and acutely aware of my role as a mother and the fact that this was exactly what I had prayed for for so long.  This was exactly the kind of opportunity that I had longed to experience for so many years, and I wondered how many moments just like this one had passed by me before without as much as a second thought.  I wondered how many times I had been in too much of a hurry, or yelling too loudly, or focusing on insignificant things to hear the Spirit and feel and see the hand of God in my life.  In this moment I knew that God was patiently smiling down on me with the knowledge that I had finally understood.  This moment was just for me, and this moment helped me to realize what matters most.  This moment stopped me on my heels and has changed me and my thought process.  It has helped me to focus on the details more, and to notice more of these moments with my hooligans.  It's the little things like this that make me aware that He is there, and I am so grateful for this gift I have been given.  I will be recording more of my moments and my recognition of the hand of God in my life here for my children throughout this year.  You're welcome to join me.